The Tackiness of it All
by Naunet
Summary: Duo hosts a T.V show to find out who the perfect match would be for the G-Boys from Sailor Moon.


1 The Stupidest Fic in History  
  
Duo: Hello Everyone  
  
Everyone: Hello, Duo!  
  
Person in background: Boo!  
  
Duo: How are you all going?  
  
Everyone: Great!  
  
Person in Background (let's call him Jeff): Boo!  
  
Duo glares at audience to find 'Jeff'  
  
Gives up.  
  
Duo: ok, Tonight on 'Duo's Show' we're going to interview the other guys from Gundam Wing and find out who they're ideal match would be from Sailor Moon!  
  
Crowd: Yeah!!  
  
Duo [gives tacky T.V Host grin]: Now, our first Gundam Guy is none other than Heero Yuy!  
  
Crowd [mumbles for a bit and then gives a roar of applause]  
  
Heero: Omae o Korosu. [Sits down in tacky chair on a tacky set]  
  
Duo: Nice to see you too!  
  
Heero glares [not to be confused with the Deathglare(]  
  
Duo: We're here to find out your ideal scout!  
  
Heero [looks confused]: What? You told me this was just a refuge from Relena!  
  
'Jeff': Relena! Yeah!  
  
[Relena looks slightly mad at Heero but stands up and gives a 'royal' wave for 'Jeff' but sits down again when the rest through stuff at her]  
  
Duo: Getting down to the serious stuff, We will ask you three questions that will change your life forever! [Flashes another tack T.V Host smile]  
  
Heero[rolls eyes]: Fine, Go ahead…  
  
Duo: What's your favourite colour?  
  
Heero [ blinks]: THAT'S supposed to be a life-changing question?  
  
Duo: Just answer it.  
  
Heero: I don't have one. Perfect Soldiers, like myself, have to be on the alert for all people who might hate our favourite colour and try to assassinate us. Therefore I stay neutral. [Looks proud]  
  
[Everyone sweatdrops]  
  
Duo: right…Make one up  
  
Heero [Looking dumb]: How can I make up a colour?  
  
Duo: Make up your FAVOURITE one.  
  
Heero: blue.  
  
Relena: I'm wearing blue! Heero loves me!  
  
'Jeff': Blue! Yeah!  
  
Heero: On second thoughts I like green the best.  
  
Duo: ok, green. Next Question. What's your favourite animal?  
  
Heero: Do I have to repeat myself all the time? * Ehem * Perfect soldiers, like myself-  
  
Duo: We get the idea, Heero. Just make up your favourite one.  
  
Heero: mice.  
  
Duo: Mice? Are you kidding me?  
  
[Laughs until Heero pulls out a gun out of his…spandex? And aims it at his head]  
  
Duo: Your no fun. Anyway, we have one more question. Are you gay?  
  
[Heero pauses a while. Relena waits hopefully]  
  
Heero: I am not gay.  
  
Relena: YES!  
  
'Jeff': Relena! Yeah!  
  
Duo: Well this is now your lucky day 'cos we've found you your perfect match out of the sailor scouts.  
  
[Drum roll]  
  
Duo: Ruoy tcefrep hctam si roliaS…. Sram!  
  
Producer guy: Your reading it backwards Duo.  
  
Duo: That would explain a lot. Let me try that again. Your perfect match is Sailor…Mars! Sailor Mars is the senshi of Fire and she is skilled in martial arts and loves a good fight!  
  
[Heero looks slightly interested. Rei walks out in Scout uniform and gives a tacky T.V wave.]  
  
Rei: Hey  
  
Heero: Omae o Korosu  
  
Duo: A match made in Heaven!  
  
[Heero and Rei are ushered to a cosy yet Tacky T.V couch to the side of the tacky set]  
  
Duo: Next we have Trowa Barton.  
  
Relena: Yeah! Wait? Where did Heero go?  
  
'Jeff': Relena! Yeah!  
  
[Rei does freaky fire attack on Relena and leaves her in a pile of ashes]  
  
'Jeff': Yeah! Rele- Aaragh!  
  
[Rei glares at him]  
  
'Jeff': I mean. Rei! Yeah!  
  
Trowa: Can I walk on stage yet?  
  
Duo: Yeah, I suppose.  
  
Trowa: So what do I have to do? I want to get back to Kat. [Quatre peoples!]  
  
Duo: Well I think that answers question 3. Question one is- what is your favourite colour?  
  
Trowa: orange.  
  
Duo: That's it?  
  
Trowa: What else did you want me to say?  
  
Duo: I dunno. Something funny. Even Heero amused us with that 'perfect soldier' talk.  
  
Heero: That wasn't a joke.  
  
Duo: I knew that. Trowa, what's your favourite animal?  
  
Trowa…  
  
Duo: Is that your final answer?  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Duo: Are you sure? Lions are very crazy.  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Duo: Well then it looks like we have a match!  
  
[Drum roll]  
  
Duo: Your perfect match is…  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Duo: hang on! I'm getting there. Your perfect match is-  
  
Trowa:…  
  
Duo: Stop interrupting or I won't tell everyone that your match is Sailor Pluto.  
  
[Crowd cheers wildly]  
  
[Sailor Pluto walks out onto the stage with tacky T.V smile and sits next to Trowa]  
  
Duo: So, Susan. Tell us about yourself.  
  
Susan: I'm, like, the guardian of, like, time. And I, like, sent all the scouts into the, like, future so they could, like, stop the negaverse.  
  
Duo: Right…. [Rolls eyes]  
  
Susan: Don't get me angry! I'm 300 years old and I can send you into the past, so there! [Sticks tongue out]  
  
[Trowa and Susan are directed to the cosy yet Tacky T.V couch to the side of the tacky set. They sit next to Heero and Rei.]  
  
Duo: So let's bring out our next G-boy…  
  
[Insert commercial here]  
  
Duo: Gosh that commercial was long. Anyway we have three more G-boys to interview so they can find their perfect Sailor Scout.  
  
Crowd: Yeah!  
  
['Jeff' is sitting next to Relena's ashes and crying until Rei gives him a poisonous look]  
  
'Jeff': Rei! Yeah!  
  
Duo: The next guy is Quatre!  
  
Crowd: Yeah!  
  
[Quatre walks on with a tacky T.V smile and sits down on a Tacky chair on the tacky set]  
  
Quatre: Duo, this place is so tacky.  
  
Duo: Shut up. First question is- what is your favourite colour?  
  
Quatre: Well, I like sky-blue, midnight-black and pearl.  
  
Duo [Blinks]: Now answer the question.  
  
Quatre: Dark blue in tacky terms.  
  
Duo: Tacky is good. What's your favourite animal?  
  
Quatre: Camel  
  
Duo: Camel? Aren't there any other animals you could have chosen?  
  
Quatre: like what? I only know camels!  
  
[Duo waved his had and a producer guy comes and holds up a chart.]  
  
Producer Guy: As you can see, there are a wide variety of animals in the 'animal kingdom'  
  
Quatre: The animals have their own kingdom?  
  
Duo: Sheesh. I think we'd just better stay with 'camel'.  
  
[Quatre is studying chart]  
  
Quatre: Hey! There's a picture of Relena where the 'dog' should be!  
  
[Heero bursts out laughing]  
  
'Jeff': Twisted person!  
  
Duo: Quatre your perfect scout is Sailor…  
  
[Drum roll]  
  
Duo: Jupiter!  
  
[Lita walks on stage with a tacky T.V smile]  
  
Quatre: Hey! You didn't ask me question 3!  
  
Duo: Yeah it was pretty obvious.. So Lita, tell us about yourself.  
  
Lita: Hey there! I'm Sailor Jupiter and I'm the Senshi of Earth!  
  
Duo: Nothing else? That's it?  
  
Lita: Of course that's it!  
  
Duo: right…  
  
[Quatre and Lita walk to the tacky chair to the side of the tacky set]  
  
Duo: Our second last G-boy is-  
  
[Drum roll]  
  
Duo: Hey! Wufei doesn't deserve a drum roll.  
  
Wufei (off stage): Hey!  
  
Duo: Here's Wufei.  
  
[Wufei comes on.]  
  
Duo: You didn't give the smile!  
  
Wufei: What smile?  
  
Duo: Haven't you been watching!? The 'Tacky T.V' smile. You have to do it all over now!  
  
[Wufei is shooed off stage and walks back on giving tacky T.V smile]  
  
Duo: That's better.  
  
Wufei: So hurry up and ask me the questions.  
  
Duo: You can't hurry a genius. Question one- What's your favourite colour?  
  
Wufei: White.  
  
Duo: White is not a colour it is a tone! Sheesh…  
  
Wufei: Fine, brown.  
  
Duo: eew! Question two- what's your favourite animal?  
  
Wufei: A dove, the symbol of justice!  
  
Duo: Isn't the dove a symbol of peace?  
  
Quatre: This 'dove' isn't on my chart!  
  
[Lita grabs a pens and does a sketch of a dove and underneath it 'dove']  
  
Quatre: Wow.  
  
Duo: You done?  
  
Quatre (beaming): Yep.  
  
Duo: Well, Wufei, your perfect scout is Sailor…  
  
[Drum roll]  
  
Duo: Neptune!  
  
[Michelle comes out dragging Amara behind her]  
  
Duo: No, just Michelle!  
  
[Michelle and Amara aren't paying attention and are doing…well…all the weird things you do when your gay]  
  
Wufei: This is injustice!  
  
Duo: It is. Especially when this is the ENGLISH version!  
  
[Michelle and Amara pull away]  
  
Michelle: I mean- nice cousin… [Gives Amara an awkward hug]*  
  
Duo: There you have it folks, Wufei and Michelle!  
  
[Wufei and Michelle walk away to the tacky seat]  
  
Duo: So there you have it. Heero and Rei!  
  
'Jeff': Yeah! Rei!  
  
Duo: Trowa and Susan! Quatre and Lita and Wufei and Michelle!  
  
'Jeff': What about you?  
  
Duo: I'm the host and this whole thing is rigged anyway so I'm just gonna choose someone and everyone's gonna be happy for me!  
  
[Survey's Sailor Venus, Saturn, Uranus, Moon, Mercury]  
  
Duo: I pick Sailor…  
  
[Silence]  
  
Duo: How come I don't get a drum roll?  
  
Drummer: Your tacky.  
  
Quatre: Yeah!  
  
'Jeff': Tacky! Yeah!  
  
Duo: Well I pick Mina anyway.  
  
[Mina rolls eyes but gives a tacky T.V smile anyway]  
  
Duo: And that brings us to the end of this tacky show!  
  
Crowd: Yeah!  
  
A/N- there you go, Sailor Scouts, B-Boys, Tackiness, Relena-obsessed fan, animal charts and a lot of 'yeah'-ing!  
  
Stay tuned for more!  
  
* In the Japanese version of sailor moon Sailor Uranus and Neptune are gay. Cute couple, but in the English version, it's been edited so they're cousins.  
  
  
  
What will become of the animal chart?  
  
What will develop between the scouts and the G-boys?  
  
Will Relena be reincarnated?  
  
Who is 'Jeff'?  
  
Will the tackiness ever end?  
  
Do you care about the answers to the questions above? 


End file.
